I am trying to make huge changes in the way i live this year. I am trying to build a routine, and a schedule, and structure in my life. I am trying so hard to develop new habits, and change the way i live that i haven’t yet stopped to ask myself if this is what i really want. That’s the problem, it’s not what i want.
Don’t get me wrong, i want to change for the better as much as the next guy, but i am unwilling to change certain things about myself. As an ADHDer, i am a free spirit by nature, i walk my own path through life, and i rarely follow the lead of others. I am fiercely independent, and an original thinker. I have my quirks that i am not willing to budge on. For example, i am a writer and an artist; and there is no way i can try to add structure to the way i create. Creativity is completely free form, and shouldn’t be messed with. This is where the dilemma arises.
Part of me wants to know whats coming next, what i need to do, and how i need to do it. And the other – more fun – part of me wants to ride by the seat of my pants, and, well, just let life happen. I mean, i have done that so far in life and i think i am doing just fine considering the circumstances.
What i really need to do is think about what’s truly important to me, and what i am not willing to give up. I need to have an internal discussion on what holds priority. Do i really need to be focusing my ever so important energy on my freaking bedtime? No, I don’t think so.
I think it’s better way to live my life, is how i want to live it. Not by anybody’s standards but my own. I need not worry about schedules, and betimes, and the mundane. I need to focus my energies into WHAT REALLY HOLDS MEANING TO ME.
You know what that is? It’s creating art, and writing. It’s caring about the environment, and other people. It’s reading. it’s writing. It’s creating and learning along that way that holds my attention. Which says a lot, because not many things can keep my wandering mind occupied.
Once again i find myself reevaluating my wants, and needs into what actually fits.
Back to the drawing board my friends, enough with the mundane. I need to focus on what matters. And i could give a fuck less when i go to bed, and when i wake up. That’s far too trivial to waste my time worrying about. And it is extremely gratifying to finally understand this.
I will be back my friends, I have some thinking to do.