I fell off the face of the earth for a few days there. Been dealing with some severe depression and i am just trying to keep my damn life together right now. A couple of days ago a wave of anguish washed over me and was all consuming. I was wallowing in my own self-pity, feeling sorry for myself, feeling disgusted, feeling hopeless and all the while fixated on my own shortcomings and why the fuck i have to deal with being so vastly different than everyone else in the first place.
Needless to say, this kind of thinking is no good for us ADHDers. I actually like being different, I like having my own personal spin on life, but why does it have to be so hard to be understood? People are mostly ignorant, that’s why.
Followed by my severe depressive state – this was a bad one too, I hadn’t felt that depressed in quite a while – the anxiety and panic.
My anxious mind tells me terrible things:
You are depressed, now you’ve wasted time being depressed. you need to get this done, you need to get that done, shit, don’t forget about that thing. Oh, and also, this other thing is very imperative, and you must do it! What is wrong with you Cassie? Get it done, you’ve got to do this and that. You have got to be on top of your game because you are different than everyone else, and you need to try harder, so just do it dammit!
It goes on and on in my head, a neverending stream of false expectations of myself and the world around me, a nonstop flood of negativity and putdowns. Coming from someone i should have the most love for – myself.
But i don’t have much love for myself, because my whole life i have been told that i need to be better. Even i think i need to always be better. Which is depressing because i want more than anything else to just be myself.
Depression on any level is not good for overall health, ADHD mind especially though. We can get so caught up on what’s wrong with us – or what others think is wrong with us – and we forget about the awesome qualities we have. Depression chains up the soul and blackens the heart. I know from my experience that i often try to push people away and hurt them when i am depressed – not for their trying to help, but because i am miserable so i want them to be miserable too. Depression also puts a burden of self-hate on our shoulders that we must carry around if we don’t deal with it in a healthy way. Depression clouds our heads and therefore our judgement to make positive an productive decisions in life. Depression is an awful thing that when left untreated can destroy lives and tear people apart.
The really hard part about it is this; ADHD and depression go hand-in-hand more often than not. So, we as ADHDers need to be aware of the risks and actions we can take to live a healthier life overall. We need to be honest with ourselves, and find help wen we need it. I know that i need help, so now i am on a mission to find the right therapist for me. That’s the next step in my treatment, what’s yours?
Thank you for reading, we will talk soon, promise