Still Here, Still Living With ADHD

so this is kind of a rant, posting anyway

Still me.

Still have ADHD.

Still have no idea what to do with myself.

Still have little practice in adult life.

Still teaching myself how to function.

Still learning to get the little things down.

Been a few years now since I have taken ADHD medication.

Still questioning if that was such a good call.

Suppose to help right? Suppose to manage the symptoms, assist with focus, motivation. Yeah i believe it. I remember medication very well. I FREAKING DID THINGS MAN! Don’t do so many things now. Slowing down, scary, not used to slow.

In ADHD years, I am a teenager all over again. In ADHD years i am 13.

Still have anxiety.

Still struggling!

Still ask myself why, then the negative self-talk comes waltzing in; “it’s your fault, that’s why” “you just need to try harder.” “you just need to try 200% harder than ANYONE ELSE, that’s all, no big deal, you SHOULD be able to.”

FUCK, it feels like a curse sometimes. I feel like a curse. My whole life in fact. Thanks Ma, for naming me after a character from All My Children. GREAT name sake.

I digress.

Of course I do.

Still way behind my peers in terms of every variable. In a ditch. Seems like I’ve dug myself into a pit all this time. Except, something is a little different this time. I am learning to climb my way out. I possess confidence in myself enough to trust that i won’t fall.

I am still trying. It’s a good thing that I haven’t gone back on medication yet – and I say yet because anything can happen. I want to play on my strengths, rather than praying on my weaknesses. I was a born drug addict, don’t think it’s the best idea for my overall health to be taking a chemically dependable drug everyday for the rest of myself. I will abuse them. I know myself enough to admit.

Still here.

Still struggling upward.

Still on my path.

This post brought to you by a sudden and irresistible urge to write again publicly. So here I am, consider this a come back. 

Still have so much to say!

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