A draft from 2015 – why didn’t I publish this? This is pure ADHD gold!
ADHD makes me feel like a damn crazy person!
why, or why does it have to be an acronym for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder??? The words deficit and disorder make us feel like damaged goods, those words make us feel like we don’t belong.
You see, I have had ADHD my whole life, therefore it is a huge part of my life. Ever since i can remember i have been on medication (except when i didn’t see a doctor regularly between my high school years and the beginning of my “college career.”)
Any who, hearing at the age of seven that my brain is not right, and that i need a little yellow pill to focus was a huge blow. My mother reassured me that everything was okay and before i knew it, i couldn’t wait to take my meds everyday, because I could tell that they worked for me. but that’s besides the point. The point is, i didn’t get a choice in the matter. So on one shoulder there was the innocent doctor, telling my mother and i that i was inattentive, distracted, and so and so, and that i should take medication to help with the “symptoms.”
On the other shoulder was a different beast. Not even a dark angel, but a beast. On the other shoulder was our family and friends – mostly my mothers friends – saying that the whole diagnosis was bullshit, and that “she just needs to pay attention,” “she just needs to calm down,” “she just needs a little direction in her life,” “she doesn’t need meds.”
And whenever we went to the doctor – Dr. Mary Lungsford of The Dorchester House to be exact – there would never be anything new to talk about, even though there should have been. My mother would never be honest with our doctors, maybe because of her history with DSS? Your guess is as good as mine. I digress. So there was nothing to really talk about. Just is she eating? is she sleeping? Oh, she’s not sleeping? then give her this, that’s not working? try this then. ON AND ON AND ON!
Anyways, i grew up hearing that i was deficient in the brain, and in social skills, and pretty much in life. The words DISORDER and DEFICIT have scared my very soul to this day! Lets just call it… shoot now I have to think of a good enough alternative, give me a second…
Parts of my brain do not work like a “normal” persons brain, so freaking what!? that makes me me.
ADHD makes me, me.