Double-exposure sunset shitty phone camera challenging myself

IMPULSIVITY

I am impulsive. Every decision I have ever made has been on a whim. I just go with the flow. I have for as long as I can remember. This impulsivity is somehow a part of me. I identify with it, I own that shit.

I have done so many impulsive things in my life. I’ve applied for that credit card, slept with that person, screwed around with the other. Said things I didn’t mean. Picked up that drug, and the other one, and the other one too.

I lack decision-making skills, as many ADHDers do. This is where the impulsiveness comes in. Do now, think later.

Everything is on impulse. What to major in? Uh, I don’t know, whatever sounds helpful and fun! What car to buy? The nicest one, I’ll just get a loan, no worries! What to say to that stranger walking by? Something painfully awkward of course! (Because that’s what comes out on impulse) Should I buy this thing? GO FOR IT, I don’t have bills to pay or anything.

Sometimes this is loads of fun! Makes for an exciting life, full of twists and turns, and unique experiences! It’s a helpful quality to have when anxiety plays a huge part of my life as well. When anxiety says “I don’t know about this Cassie, are you sure?” Impulsivity says “oh yeah! don’t worry about it! It will be fun.” I have my uninhibited lifestyle to thank for MANY rewarding things in my life. I have found my people! Made a little family. Found courage, outgoing-ness, willingness, open-mindedness. But it’s not all fun times and glitter, it can get  VERY dark VERY quickly living like this. Trust me when I tell you.

Feelings get deeply hurt, trust shattered, loyalty lost. Everything falls apart due to impulsive behavior NOT FUCKING THINKING.

The bad comes with the good. The greatest experiences of my life have been balanced with the worst of them all. ROCK BOTTOM SHIT. Married at 17 shit. Homeless and hungry shit. Addiction shit. Sexually transmitted disease shit. Doing bad things to get by shit. Things-I-am-less-than-proud-of-shit. Too many to name, too personal to get into in this post. (maybe I’ll write a book one of these days)

Think about the typical teenager. They all make hasty decisions in an attempt to find themselves and their identities. Now, imagine a grown ass woman, perpetually stuck in this chaotic and messy developmental stage FOREVER. That’s me! I often joke that I am pretty much a child, that’s because it’s true. I’ve got the brain functions of a typical teenager. Yup, sure do.

In recent years however – though it will never go away – I get to decide when I get to be impulsive, and when I don’t. And surprisingly, I listen to myself! Crazy, I know. Most of the time anyways. And the crazy shit that I do on a whim become smaller and less life altering the more I learn about myself and my limitations.

Examples: I know that I can’t be trusted with money, so I budget like crazy, and use a cash envelope system that keeps me in check. (mostly, I just started doing this) Drugs are bad, so I stay away from them. I even quit smoking cigarettes last week, and weed is next! (coffee though, I don’t know about giving up coffee.) I give myself curfews when going out on the town, otherwise I WILL stay out until the sun comes up. (adults don’t do that Cass)

Impulsive, all-over-the-place, sometimes destructive behavior is a part of who I am. There are transformational qualities at work here too though. I take a good long look at myself and my habits, and through this self-actualization I find the nuggets of truth I need to move forward in a balanced way. I can’t not be impulsive – that would mean experimental brain surgery or something crazy – but I can be impulsive in ways that won’t destroy my life and everything I’ve worked for. I can be impulsive in the I-have-ADHD-and-I-am-in-self-awareness-treatment-and-I-am-in-control kin of way.

That’s all I got! Thanks for reading! Talk to me in the comments!

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