I am literally the worst. I pick fights for no reason, or just for the sake of fighting. Then, when my partner says or does one little thing wrong I jump down his throat and call him an asshole, or pick another fight.
I have serious control issues. If everything is not going exactly as I had planned, I LOSE MY MIND ENTIRELY. I can’t handle change when it is someone else pulling the strings. I can only handle change if I am the one making it happen.
I become impossible to talk to because I shut the fuck down. There is no talking to me when I am like this because I am in complete cognitive dissonance mode. I have checked the fuck out and the only person who can bring me back is me. And why would I wanna come back when dissociation is a much better alternative to reality? Why would I wanna go back to reality, when I can live here, in my comfort zone, forever?
Lets face it. I am one screw up individual. I tell myself that often. And I thought I made that clear to my partner before we got married. “I AM COMPLETELY FUCKED UP, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DEAL WITH ME FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?” But when someones says that, you think they are just kidding. Well, I wasn’t kidding, I tried to warn you. And now, I see my codependency for what it is, because that is a total co-dependent thing to say. What I really meant to say was “I AM SO FUCKED UP, NEVER LEAVE ME. I NEED YOU.”
Oooooof. I am really digging in here. Hurts. This shit is heavy.
ADHD is the problem child of every relationship. Always creating problems where there isn’t any problem. Constantly looking for things to fight about. Insistently pushing a topic when the conversation was done days ago. Steadily putting others down with slight comments. Habitually butting in to make a point heard. Continuously making a big deal out of everything. ADHD fucks everything up. At least, in my experience.
I am learning that the best thing to do is shut the fuck up. Disengage.